Want to commit suicide because of my son's autism

Want to commit suicide because of my son’s autism

The title of this post, “Want to commit suicide because of my son’s autism” is a keyword search that led someone to my blog this morning.  My heart dropped when I saw this.  The person did not leave a comment, I wish she had.  (I don’t know if it was a he or she, but I’m going to use she to make writing this easier).  The thought that someone is thinking about doing this is scary.  I pray that the commit suicide search on the internet is her way of reaching out for some kind of help.  I know how isolating having a child with autism can be.  For some, reaching out online is the only thing they can do.  This post is a message to that person.

My Response to Who Searched on Commit Suicide Because of Autism Son

I know it can be tough raising an autistic child.  I know that there are times when you feel overwhelmed, and alone.  I know how everyday can feel like a battle, and that there are times when you don’t think you can go on.  I’ve been there.  What gets me through is a strong support system of family and friends that I have developed over time.  It hasn’t been easy.  Most of my family doesn’t understand what I am going through, but they are there when I am at my wits ends.  I also have respite care for my son.  I make use of it when I need to.  I also have, and this is the most important thing, a strong and supportive husband.  I know that this isn’t the case in a lot of families raising an autistic child.  The divorce rate in special needs families are high.  You are not the first person to come to my blog using commit suicide in their search phrase. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people that feel like they want to commit suicide because their child is autistic.

I’d like to offer you advice on where to go for help, but it’s difficult without knowing your situation.  There are online support groups for parents of autistic children.  They have helped me a lot.  Are you a member of any?  Have you reached out to them?  Is your family receiving services for your child?  Do you have a case manager for those services that you can talk to?  Your case manager can put you in touch with someone to help you.  You can also talk to your doctor, or even your child’s doctor, for a referral.

Please, get help.  Suicide isn’t the solution.


Call us at 888-288-4762 or en Español 888-772-9050, or email familyservices@autismspeaks.org.

Autism Response Team (ART) members are specially trained to connect families with information, resources and opportunities.


#AutismSuicide Blogger Post Links:

Life With Aspergers: Response to Want to Commit Suicide

Homeschool and Etc. Committing Suicide Because of Son’s Autism


Update:  Posted in comments.  I think it’s a great idea.  Who wants to join us?

I plan to post on this later today but I’d really like to see other people post about this too. Lets show that we can support the carers as well as the people with autism.

Any takers?? Maybe if we can post and reply in the comments here and also tweet using #AutismSuicide ??

LEAVE the link to your post in COMMENTS, and I’ll add it up here.  Let’s all come together on this.  We can Tweet each other’s post using hashtag  #AutismSuicide.  If we get a lot of people wanting to do this, we can schedule one day to take over Twitter with the hashtag #AutismSuicide and really get our message out there.

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85 comments to Want to commit suicide because of my son’s autism

  • That’s heartbreaking. It’s too bad you can’t find out who it is so that you might be able to at least open the door to communication. Maybe this person has no one to vent or talk to.
    Zipporah Sandler recently posted..Splash it on with Nakano

  • Oh, that’s heartbreaking. As a former therapist, I urge this reader and any others who feel this way to seek help. Hope can be found, you can find ways to deal with this better.
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  • That is so sad! Tammy, you bring something special to the world of parenting autistic children, I’m so glad you are here for these parents. I hope this visitor comes back and reaches out to you in friendship, you can really help each other!
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  • This breaks my heart for momma and little one. Momma who is stressed to the point of considering this and little one is unaware and dependant on moms love

  • So glad you’re here as a source of support and information to let people know that they’re not alone!
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..How Does the a.m. Skillet Breakfast Sound?

  • When I first saw the title to this post, I found it really shocking. After reading the post, I can see that the person who you are referring to must have shocked you too. I have a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. Each day is an incredible challenge. I am very sad for this mom or dad. I hope that they can find a support system to help them out. I know I have had to reach out myself. I know that it can be a major struggle, but there are a lot of resources out there. I am glad you addressed this.

  • I’m glad you caught the keyword search and wrote this post. As a behavioral analyst who works with kids with autism and sees the havoc the disorder can wreak on families and especially mothers (usually the main caregiver), my heart goes out to this parent. I hope he or she reads your advice and reaches out to someone in his/her community.
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  • Having a child is life changing for anyone, but when your child has autism it can turn your whole world upside down.

    I am the single mom of a child with autism. Yes, my marriage is one of the statistics, but marriages(and people)don’t crash because of autism, it just magnifies the issues already present.

    It can be a struggle sometimes to maintain an identity outside parenting your autistic child, but it is essential. A night out once in awhile, maintaining a hobby or interest, working out, taking a class… whatever you can fit in that is “for you” helps, and by all means if you feel yourself breaking, get help. You can heal, the downward spiral can be stopped. You can be better, and when you are, you will be able to be the advocate your child needs, so they can realize their best potential.
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  • First I want to say that suicide is not the way. Having a child with autism can seem impossible and I know it is so hard. I had a terrible time dealing with my son’s autism. I often road my emotions based on how his day was going. But that isn’t the way. You need to know that you are more than that, and you need to find someone to talk to. I write for Generation Rescue, and we believe autism is treatable. My own son has improved significantly which means our quality of life has improved. Please go to generation rescue and locate a rescue angel in your area. They can help you find resources, support groups, treatment options, or maybe just to talk. I am sure you feel alone, but you aren’t. I’m here, and I will listen. I know everything you are feeling. I’ve been there, and guess what, I’ve come out the other side. You can to. And you want to.

    I have a friend that recently committed suicide and what she left is not what you want to leave. This is not the answer for you, your loved ones, or anyone else. Reach out, tell someone how you feel, and tell them you need help. Often people just don’t realize how hard it is. Ask a friend if they would mind making you dinner so you don’t have to. It can help. write down your feelings and get them out. You need to. Autism can be so much for you to take, so get it out. But know that we are here. I’m sure Tammy would listen too.

    Just don’t give up. It can and it will get better. I know, I really have been there too.
    maryann at Matthew’s Puzzle recently posted..I Scream for Ice Cream

    • Tammy

      Thank you for taking the time to respond to this, Maryann. I’m always here to listen, and help. Organizations like Generation Rescue have great support resources. I’ve had my lows, when I didn’t know how to go on. I’m fortunate to have a strong, supportive husband, family and friends that support me. I know that a lot of parents with an autistic child do not have that. But there is help out there. There are people that know what you are going through, and can help you. You already have a strong group here, if you return and read this post.

    • Sara

      Hi Maryann,
      I searched “mother, autism, suicide” on google tonight and found this blog and your response. I sometimes think about it too but it scares the hell out of me. I read all the responses and liked yours the most because you had said your child improved significantly and that’s how your quality of life has improved too. I do not think ANY HELP, any Support Group, Parent groups, etc can help me if my son does not progress. I see my entire existence and happiness dependent on his progress and recovery!!!

      He is only 4 and my husband & I have done everything possible, everything in this world to help him but I do not see the progress I was hoping to see:((( I am not sure how long I can go on like this…how many more days, weeks, months, and years…Everyday of this life is a hell, everyday of this life is a challenge, how can I continue for years, HOW???? I am still young myself and had dreams, plans, goals in life…I wanted to live and do things, but now I feel my life has been a complete waste, all I see is “Autism” and I hate that world…honestly, my whole body get tense, I start sweating, I feel nausiated every time I hear it or use it but I am using and hearing it numerous times through out the day and I simply HATE it:((( I do not want to live the rest of my life with autism…I cannot do it…I just cannot…
      Do you really think these kids get better? will they be able to be mainstreamed one day?
      How can we live year after year after year dealing with Autism? how??? how????

      • Beck

        I hear your pain and your torment,
        I too sadly am fed up frustrated and angry at autism, my youngest was recently diagnosed with Aspergers, this is on top of my already diagnosed other two autistic children.
        Hope seems to be so far away, I live daily in an autism bubble and juggle work in there too, life currently is so far from easy
        We have no family support, my biggest help comes from two other families in the same situation, I am lucky to have a parents group to cling to they make me realize when I need to get my head out of the autism bubble and remember me. I still have dreams they are harder to achieve, they may take longer but there are ways they can be achieved.
        As a parent of kids with additional needs I ,use say priorities have changed over the last few years and some days feel hopeless but then I look at some of my kids achievements and know how hard we worked for it and my high is so much higher I got so excited over my son in his support unit getting his first lunch order, (I was fearful most of the day over what ifs)
        As a parent we need to learn to celebrate the small achievements they may not be celebrated in mainstream but hey hours of OT and SPEECH went into it I will celebrate. I have had to try stop comparing my Kids with the mainstreamers, that for me was debilitating. I love my three kids with every part of me, I hate autism, I hate what I feel it has taken from me, I can’t celebrate what was but I can celebrate what I have left. The biggest part is my love for my kids will never change, autism can’t take that, I focus hard on that.
        Sara please see you gp, maybe even a parents counsellor to help you vent the anger that comes with this autism, there is help for parents out there, and the kids, xxx

  • How sad. I hope that this mom finds your blog again and is able to reach out for help.
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  • I posted this on facebook in the Autism Bloggers Group. Hopefully we can start a wave of support for carers.

    Not long ago, a post about wanting to be normal caused a wave of support to ripple around the world in support of people with autism. It would be nice if this post could cause the same sort of effect with Carers.

    I plan to post on this later today but I’d really like to see other people post about this too. Lets show that we can support the carers as well as the people with autism.

    Any takers?? Maybe if we can post and reply in the comments here and also tweet using #AutismSuicide ??

  • Oh my this breaks my heart. I know for all of us here who are parents of a child with autism we can relate I know at one point we thought the same. I hope she/he finds her support group to keep strong and stay strong for his/her child. I pray for her peace of mind.

  • So very sad. I hope this person finds the help that they need and the strength inside themselves that they really do have.
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  • Donna Jean Baker

    I am not really familiar with autism but as a parent I know childhood with my children was difficult but not near as difficult had they had this disorder! I am glad that you caught this and reached out! There is help for parents of children with disabilities and I hope she reaches out for it and glad there are people who recognize that danger word! So sad!

  • This is sad. It is a reality for some people, not that their child is autistic, but that they do not have help when they need it. That is what the real problem is. I read a blog post recently about a man caring for his aging parent, who acknowledged that he needed help with caring for his dad. A major breakthrough that can be applied to parents who are “carers” to use a term from Europe.

  • This entire post, from the search wording to your response, made me cry. I hope this person and anyone else needing a bit of love and support, returns to read the words they need to hear.
    Marcie W. recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – 7/11/12

  • Hi. I’m in the group that started the ‘I Wish I Didn’t Have Asperger’s’ flashblog event. I’d be happy to help here, too. Did you plan on doing a flashblog type of event? The reason we did that was to overtake social networks and google in one day to have the best reach to the person who had done the search.
    Quiet Contemplation recently posted..Being The Rock During The Storm

    • Tammy

      We are working on #AutismSuicide right now. You can write up a post in response to this one, leave the link in comments, and I’ll your link into the post. We will Tweet each other’s posts using hashtag #AutismSuicide. If we get a lot of people participating, we can schedule one day to do this nonstop.

  • So heartbreaking to read.

    I am sure there are many like this person and I’m sure suicide has crossed the minds of many parents in their darkest moment.

    I hope this information finds the people who need it. And I hope some in government reads this and realizes how critical support for special needs family is. In some cases it’s a matter of life or death.

  • [...] health care practitioner has made his or her own observations and also suspect autism.    Should you tell your friend if you suspect her child has a form of autism? This is a dilemma that so…the area of intervention, if you have someone with autism in the family or know of someone then you [...]

  • Hi, Tammy! Posting after first time here. BTW I came across your blog after googling “homeschooling autistic children.”

    Happy Elf Mom recently posted..Committing Suicide Because of Son’s Autism

  • To the the suicidal parent and to any other who feels this way:

    I have often known what it is like to not have the will to live, to feel that I don’t belong anywhere and to feel alone even in a roomful of people. This is because I grew up with an undiagnosed ASD and because of the fallout of all that has gone on especially earlier in my life, I still feel the effects of it. I also have a daughter with an ASD, diagnosed. I don’t know the person who has begun all these discussions but I would like to connect with you, if interested, at my blogspot:
    Lisa DeSherlia recently posted..How Long?

  • [...] been programmed by entertainment for 60 years to go out in a blaze of gloryPowered by Yahoo! AnswersMichael asks…Based on your knowledge, personal or from current research, are suicide rates increas… personal or from current research, are suicide rates increasing or decreasing?I'm doing this for a [...]

  • cm jones

    Interesting all the support for Asperger’s, I will refer some friends. However, I am in the same situation of hopelessness with a child who a psychiatrist said, “was a hard nut to crack.” He has some ADHD tendencies, disorganization and impulsivity. I am a trained teacher and therapeautic foster parent. We adopted this child at birth, and his development was unremarkable until about 4 or 4.5 yrs. Since that time, it’s has been a whirlwind. He tantrums, rages, destroys things, torments his younger siblings, screams at us, refuses to cooperate, hits/kicks/bites us, steals money, steals phones, empties the batteries out of all his and siblings toys. All the therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists say, “Just press on, you’re doing the right things” or “You have to make him responsible for the damages.” Well, I’m sorry, but that’s just lame. How do you get an uncooperative child to “be responsible?” The “right things” are not working for this child. Any other ideas? Any support for a child that defies definition or diagnosis? I’ve tried RAD consultation, PTSD counseling, etc. and cannot find any help for him or us. Where do you guys have respite? Since we adopted, I was not aware of any respite available to us. I’d love to have just 24-48 hrs to clean my house. If we try to clean it, he just destroys it right behind us. I’ve had counselors ask me, “So how do you see us helping you?” Well, honey, if I knew the answer to that, don’t you think I would have done it in the last 7 years?

    • Tammy

      It gets frustrating when they don’t give you actual answers. The reason is, they don’t know. I get my respite care through my son’s CAP services. It’s not called CAP anymore. They’ve changed it and have it under a new name now. Contact your local ARC. http://www.thearc.org/ is the link to get you started in finding the one closest to you. Also, the Autism Society of America, http://www.autism-society.org/. They can also help you locate resources for you. Has he been diagnosed with autism? If he hasn’t, but has been diagnosed with ADHD, it could be a wrong diagnosis. That happens a lot.

  • Tom

    One of the reasons parents of autistic children feel so hopeless and confused is because all these agencies that are supposed to help, dont’ help enough, and then when a problem arises, instead of helping, they investigate or audit the family bringing more pain, more confusion and more hopelessness. Parents of autistic children are constantly having to explain and prove themselves and their situation to all these disconnected people who do drive by observations and don’t really know or care to know what they need or what’s going on. This leaves parents terribly depressed, because these are the very agencies that parents are told are there to HELP!!! And yet when they don’t help and then come around and investigate when no help leads to a crisis, it brings even more hopelessness.

  • Trip

    I have a child that is non verbal autisitc. Yes it’s been hard and lonely. I lost my dad the year I fell pregnant, it was unplanned. My husband left us when he realised at 16mths my child could be autistic. I have no family support or contact. I have no friends and no one knows my son is autistic. I’m in the process of getting him early intervention now that his over 2yrs old enough for a diagnosis. I’m severely exhausted can’t sleep I have no respite surviving on benifits. I need to visit my own dr appointment due to chronic kindey desease but I can’t find the time to because no one can look after my son for me. I never leave my home unless I need to for food because the area we live is unsafe. But it’s all I can afford to rent in this location. I can’t find my own voice my child and me are deathly silent. And I fear when my kidney fails who will look after my child. I never thought of dying befor but it sounds awfully appealing during these times. I want my child to be better I’m failing as a parent I’m just too exhausted and alone. There is no support I can reach out to I have tried and I have not found anyone I can open up to or relate with. I’m not even 30 yet but life seems so long. When I read your post I fe utterly defeated because of all the help and resources you have and I know that’s what it takes to help raise a child in this situation, but I do not have those help or support and that’s why when I read this it’s obvious to me there will not be hope for me and my child.

    • Tammy

      There’s always hope. It took time for me to get all the support we have. My son wasn’t diagnosed until he was 5. It was a constant battle to get him what he needed. Early Intervention took the longest. Once you get that, you can request a home aid and respite care. Check with your area for a support group. I didn’t have one when my son was younger. We live in a small town, and back then, I had to seek support from outside my community.

  • Jonel


    Thank you for posting this. My favorite uncle (read: favorite human) committed suicide a few weeks ago and I’m just learning how common these types of thoughts are in the special needs community… Namely with autism. I hope -and honestly believe- that you’ve saved a few lives (and families) by having the courage to address the elephant in the room.

    I am putting together an awareness/fundraising event in Denver this summer in his memory. It will be a comedy show (because laughter is the best medicine around) that dabbles in humor around living with disabilities. I’d like to share some stories and information beforehand – because I think the general public is completely unaware what it’s like out there for autistic kids and their families that strive to conform to impossible standards. It’s exhausting, alienating and can make you question your own worth.

    Anyway, as I am considering charities to benefit (my key program now is my autistic & diabetic cousin’s day program)… I would love to know if there are other gems out there who focus more on mental health for people/families with autism. Or any that help educate the public about it. Or one that lobbies for better government programs (the red tape is seriously tragic… Especially when you add diabetes to the mix!)

    I wish I could capture my uncle’s spirit so it was clear what an utterly selfless man he was in life – including the carefully planned out details around his death. He was my hero and I know that in his mind, he sacrificed himself for us. That doesn’t make the heartbreak better… In fact, it makes it hurt so much worse.

    So hey, you caretakers out there. You, yes YOU! Look in the mirror and tell yourself how proud you are of what you tackle everyday. Think hard about how much you make a difference in the life of your kid. And the rest of your family. Because in between all the bickering and tantrums…you are the very center of someone’s universe. You’re the bee’s knees! So take better care of yourself. You can’t keep fueling the marathon you live on fumes. Your health may not always come first… But if you let it slip, there is nothing you will have left in you for anyone else… No matter how much you love them. Let perfection go sometimes and focus on happiness. It still exists, even for you. It’s a skill, not a circumstance.

    Get support. If you don’t qualify for the program you hoped could help, get creative. Work out trades with another parent in your situation. Join a support group. Get (or train) a qualified babysitter and go be a human that enjoys a quiet meal in public once in awhile. Fight for your sanity. Laugh as often as possible. And don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There is no better way for someone to understand what you’re going through than to spend a little time in your shoes.

    And above all else: love yourself.

  • JustMe

    Its funny, there are no resources out there for parents at the end of their rope.

    I moved in with my own parents as a single mom of a child with autism and muscular dystrophy and since I got here I’ve been told daily how I fail to live up to being a good mother. I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow, I even convinced myself that my death will be no different to my child than when our dog passed last year. Maybe my family would appreciate my leaving, I’m always being reminded of how I shouldn’t live here, that I’m not living up to expectations, that I don’t try hard enough, I’m basically s*** on a stick here.

    A google search only turned this site up and a couple other referring to it along with stories of parents killing their children. Why would I want to harm my child? The universe did a good enough job on that one. I want to go, to stop being a lousy mother, and leave my child with someone more capable, because it’s not like they’d really remember/notice in the long run.

    • Tammy

      Aww, honey. Your child will notice. I used to think the same way about my son. That he wouldn’t react to the loss of me. But, then I had a chance to observe him when my husband was away for a week. He did notice. He did miss him. Yes, he displayed this differently than his sister. But, as his mother, I know when he is upset about something. When he’s happy or sad, based on little things he does.
      I feel so bad for the way your family is treating you. They don’t understand what it’s like for a parent raising an autistic child. It may look like you are not “meeting their expectations,” but I know from personal experience that raising an autistic child requires a lot from a parent. You have to be mom, doctor, therapist, teacher, and so much more. Your focus is on your child and home. From what you have written, although I can read a great deal of pain in your words, I also read love for your child, between the lines. Sometimes, when we feel the worse, it’s that love that can get us through the darkest of times.

  • Nik

    I am a mother of 10 yr old twin girls, severly autistic with early signs of OCS. They are have severe self injurious behaviors. We’ve tried medication after medication. Therapies. Diet. Everything. I’m at my wits end. I feel alone. I feel scared. I think about death all the time. I would’ve done it a long time ago. But then who will care for my girls. I used to have faith in GOD and that kept me going but it seems he no longer has faith in me. On the verge of giving up. Please help. Any advice or life changing wisdom would be greatly appreciated.


    • Haley's Comet


      I am the mother of a 2.5 year old daughter, who is non-verbal and has ASD and speech apraxia. I stumbled upon this post today and wanted to let you now that I know how you feel. I think about death all of the time. I feel like I have lost all control of my life and now I can’t even control if I die — because, like you said, who will take care of my daughter if I am gone? I have no advice or life changing wisdom for you. All I can say is that my heart hurts for both of us and that I understand how you feel. I am afraid too. Sending hugs to you.

  • DaiseyM

    Autism and the mother wants to committ suicide, has ANYONE In autism speaks or the many million dollar funded autism society organizations bothered to FOLLOW up on this mother an autistic child’s plea for HELP> What a scam of a country we live in. She is directly calling for help, where are all the adult protective service organizations? where are the agencies serving disabled organizations? They are NO WHERE to be found because all these agencies including the HCBS federal waiver that funds states to give services to disabled is a SCAM> SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM ripping off the tax payers, California in particular has ScAMMED the federal government, telling them that they have disabled people who need services, in order to garnish funds from feds, yet when they get the funds, they are FUNNELED and NOT given to help the disabled, for example, LOOK UP the OAH california cases where families are fighting and fighting nad fighting and fighting for obvious services for their children, services California tells the feds they are providing, and yet when families are NOT getting these services they have to take California regional centers, via the corrupt OAH “fair” hearing division to court, to get to introduce evidence to show their kids need more help. But don’t worry, the OAH judges are corrupt, paid by the same funding mechanism as regionaly centers so they really act as defense attorneys for the regional centers, there is NOTHING FAIR about these hearing.

  • Meg

    Hi I fully get the parent who was so desperate and suicide seemed the only answer I have had over 20 years of experience with children who have autism adhd learning disability emotional difficulty due to abuse and extreme challenging behaviour but faced with my beautiful son 8 who is autistic extremely challenging adhd learning disability and non verbal its a completely different story.. I know I can’t but wish I could end it it has a massive affect on us all and I worry about my sons future and need to protect him..I’m not lazy just tired only reason I haven’t is my son would have to come on that journey with me and I love my husband and georgous daughter otherwise I’d be gone.

  • KImberly

    I am constantly thinking of killing myself lately. I attempted last year and they took my son away from me and put him in foster care for one night but threatened permanent removal. I got my son back after going to court and the judge asked DCF what services they had provided the mother that she failed with. They said none. Because there are NONE. There’s NO respite or home health aid. There’s no help coming. My son has no father and we have no family. NO help. I can’t live like this forever. My son is such a sweet and happy boy. He rarely has meltdowns but he has been self-injuring/hitting himself lately. No one will help. I have asked. i have caseworkers with Brevard CARES who paid for me to have a few hours a month of counseling for a few months after the suicide fiasco last year. I don’t ever see my/our life improving. I barely leave the house unless I really have to. I can’t work full time and my father and ex-husband thinks I am loser because of that. I sleep about 3-5 hours a night and am eternally EXHAUSTED. I can’t stand my life. I can’t date anyone to hopefully find a partner. I can’t go out and do things, I can’t travel, I can’t do so much that I would I love to do. I have tried to be a good mother, I have taken my son to different countries when he was younger, all by myself. I take him as many places as I can, it’s not as easy anymore as when he was younger and even then it was a nightmare! I am even part of local support groups and have cried to these people. They know my struggle. I am afraid to reach out too much or my son will be removed from me forever and they will stick him in foster care and not even let him go to his special ABA school where he gets one-on-one care. They will stick him in public school where he will be left to roam around the classroom since he is difficult to engage and requires constant supervision. It’s actually better maybe if I am dead because they would keep him in this county and maybe someone will take him to his school still. If they take him from me while I am still here they will move him to a far away county like they did for that one night we were apart.

    I really do try and I really do love my son. My heart is destroyed every time he cries and hits himself and I don’t know why because he can’t talk to tell me. I am very sick. Very depressed. I am constantly fighting the urge to kill myself. One day I fear the sickness is going to completely take over and win.

    • Tammy

      Oh, sweetie. My heart goes out for you. I hope you read this. Can you email me? tlessick@hotmail.com. It sounds like you really need someone to chat with. If you have skype, we can arrange through email to connect on skype chat.

    • Danielle

      Did you ever find support services that work? I’m doing the in home support services and it’s a complete joke. They told me to sign him up at the hospital for services but it’s a 45 minute drive so chances are i would never make it to the appointments on time. I once expressed how I was truly feeling to my therapist. I had social services at my door at 2am. I’m not abusing my child, I love my child, but I don’t love his struggle. There really isn’t that much in terms of support for single parents with autistic children. I can really relate to how you feel. I’ve been trying to hold on to something positive but it’s hard to find.

  • Me0626

    I just used those words to search and came to your site. I especially like a comment one of your viewers wrote…autism magnifies problems that are already there. She was referring to her marriage breaking down being a statistic. While my marriage is still very strong 9 years into our child with many disabilities, there are other things that were already there. Like depression or alcoholism or low self esteem. My child has improved greatly yet her constant demand for attention is draining. Her near constant, shrill screaming is deafening. Her relationship with her older brother is heartbreaking. Her inability to do so many things that neurotypical 9yo’s do is depressing. The constant battle to fight for her and what she is entitled to is stressful and draining. Right now, the reason for my search of “want to commit suicide because of child with disabilities” is because I need to clean my house. And, the thought of even picking up an empty lollipop wrapper off the floor is too overwhelming. Why? Because 2 seconds later it will be something else. I get very tired of cleaning up her messes. Or doing laundry so often because she changes her clothes at least four times a day. I cry when I need to console and hold my son because he is getting the brunt of her. I drink to escape. I’m taking pain meds due to a vertebrae fracture…and sometimes I want to take all of them. But, I know they are old enough to hurt by this. This stops me, but just barely. I’m trying to hang on. We have no help. In the beginning a lot of people helped…once. She is just too difficult for other people. Even our family members. They’ve all given up on us or never tried in the first place. We’ve tried all the local resources and because of where we live, a VERY small community, we became blacklisted or pariahs or whatever you want to call it all because we spoke about a problem that we have. So, we don’t talk anymore. My wish is to be able to get up tomorrow and want to be with my kids. I was in therapy for years and he said to find the joy in my children. Still can’t even grasp that concept, joy…what is that?? Playing a game with her is torture for everyone, including her. Going for a walk or a trip is usually dangerous. It’s just tough. I’m rambling and I suppose getting a lot off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent.

  • DesperateMom

    I am a mother who found this site by searching what’s in my heart – I can’t go on like this. I’m so desperate for something to change, for someone to help me. I read all the time how parents with autistic kids aren’t alone – really? I’m completely alone with him. No husband, no family, and my friends (who are amazing) all have kids on the spectrum and are going through the same thing I am. I LOVE my son, I LOVE him more than life but I can’t take him anywhere. He’s completely disruptive and out of control. I’m held hostage by his condition, just as he is. And he has a twin who is simply a hostage in his journey; she can’t have her own life because Autism has taken everything from us. I’m six figures in debt because I’ve tried everything to help him and “everything” costs more than I make. I can’t find a school that will take him, unless I want him to wander around the room and never progress. So I have to work full=time, home-school him, and try to find some energy to be a happy, loving mother – and I’m tapped out. I’m tapped out. I can’t do this for another 13 days much less 13 years – and that’s only if a miracle happens and I can send him to college. I just want him to talk to me, to tell me how he feels, to listen to me, to not throw a fit and disrupt everything everywhere we go. He’s completely out of control and I just don’t know what to do anymore. And he’s already stronger than me at age 5; by the time he’s 10 I won’t have to kill myself because he may end up killing me by accident – and that’s not something I can bear for him. I love him too much. What do I do? Please just tell me what to do. What works? What works? What works?

  • Eric

    Yea, if we all only had our family close by to call on for help, or a big group of friends we could call on whenever we needed, or a loving supportive spouse. For the rest of us with no family nearby, no friends, and an absent or lousy spouse, there aren’t too many options left. Join a support group? Please. And who will take care of my son while I’m at therapy, who will pay for it, who will cover my shift at work? The sooner people in my situation come to grips that they’re alone and nobody’s going to help us, the better. I’ve spent too long looking for help and none is out there,, and its actually a relief to no longer be disappointed when I end up doing it all myself. Now at least I’m not distracted fantasizing about how great life might be and can get back to making sure my son doesn’t burn the house down.

    • KT

      I so agree. Every time I got suicidal and called hotlines they listen, sympathise and tell you to get time for yourself and help. Help? What help? Time for yourself? Sounds great, but how? What recently helped me is to accept that there is actually no help out there. Even when friends offer help, they actually don’t mean it. Or my be it is just my pride, and I can accept help or take advantage of other people. Everybody is busy and they have their own lives to worry about. So I accepted that I’m strong and I am capable of doing it on my own. It is like taking a challenge. I come from 3rd world country and challenges is not a new concept for me. We are strong. We can do it. We are on special mission and we rock!

  • I have a friend that has been in distress for awhile. Her son who has severe non verbal autism, NEVER sleeps except for maybe 3 hours a night. Her husband works full time and she stays home with both children. The one with autism is six and the other is four. Their entire home life is the most chaotic I’ve ever witnessed. Her parents are so old and feeble that they can’t help them and she won’t allow anyone else to watch her kids even though many have offered. At the same time I understand why she doesn’t because her six year old is such a handful that she couldn’t enjoy herself for fearing that he is a burden on whoever watches him and also she fears for his safety because you can’t take your eyes off of him for one second. He is drawn to everything that will hurt him and is constantly into everything, the list goes on and on. He’s a very sweet little boy but he can’t help it. I’ve watched her wither away to nothing. She never eats. She’s clinically depressed and has suicidal thoughts of her crashing her car and ending hers and her autistic sons lives. She can’t leave this world without taking him with her because who would take care of him for her? She would probably never forgive me for telling ANYONE this but I can’t hold this in any longer. I fear for her and her sons. She goes to a psychiatrist but she won’t tell him these things b cause she fears that he would have to turn her in and have her hodpitalized and then again, who would take care of her son? I don’t know how to help! Do u have any suggestions?

  • elaine

    I’m reading the comments with tears streaming down my eyes. This last few months have been complete Hell and today is no exception! I am literally at the point where I can’t leave the house with my son anymore which feels like prison. I know I should accept this way of life but it is just horrific! The thought of another year of this seems impossible let alone a lifetime!

  • Natasha

    Just how many of us mothers are expected to deal with this alone? How many of us stumble across this site as we are convinced that death is the only way out? How can anyone hold down a job whilst having to deal with all this shit?! Everyone turns a blind eye. Let’s just make out its not happening. I’d love to see actual statistics on how many mothers have committed suicide because they can’t cope…and there is no support. I have been offered a promotion and this morning my son has reminded me why it is never going to be possible.

  • But I don’t have family or friends I have no one

  • Lois

    God I’m reading this and crying my eyes out.. I wish we ladies lived close by to each other.. I am so broken and exhausted and sad that life is stretching ahead of me like an eternal punishment..I have a supportive husband but he works long hours and is so exhausted that he looks twenty years older than he is. We hv no family and our friends are hundreds of miles away.

    I have had to pull my children out of school as both my girls were abused in school. I trust no one with them so I am with them 24/7. I have had more progress doing this than they ever had in school so it was the right decision.. but it’s cost me everything in life. I have no time away, no hobbies, no joy in life. I have no time alone with hubby and when the kids do sleep I have insomnia keeping me awake. I lie there worrying about tomorrow, what will happen when we are too old to care for them, when we die one day where will they go??? I can never die!!!

    I hv an opportunity to work outside the home while my husband watches them as his hours hv changed a bit. But I can do nothing. I am and have been a useless housewife and i have been out the job market for 15 years. my self belief is so broken I don’t know how to fix it.. anti depressants all made me feel numb and put on weight which further destroyed my sense of self..

    my husband believes in me so much and always picks me gently off the floor when I am in pieces and crying and afraid but it’s ME that can’t help myself. I adore my babies and I would never commit suicide as my hubby and kids would suffer too much but I admit too that there’s nothing I look forward to anymore except bedtime when I escape into sleep and manage to shake off this misery for a few fitful hours..

    I wish I had some of you ladies as friends..I’m so lonely

  • Hi. I am a father to a nine year old autistic girl. She is very wild and at times gets violent. I fear for her sister. Everything everyone else hear says about them having a horrible life and being financially drained and exhausted ext….all applies to us as well. It’s got to the point my stress level makes me sick. I have constant fatigue and body aches from stress. I have a job that at times is physically demanding and it’s becoming difficult. I feel buried alive and alone. I envy normal happy family’s when I see them. I am saddened at how my normal teenager had to endure all this. I don’t have much of a family to lean on they have busy lives. I just can’t see myself growing old and being happy ever again. I want out so bad. I always worried my wife would try to hurt herself or our child. As it turns out it is me who as of late have been having serious suicide thoughts. I can hardly stand how difficult it is to exist anymore. I have gone as far as thinking how I would do it as well. I don’t think I have the guts but in a rage when I’m not thinking straight who knows. I even thought about taking her with me so my wife and other child can have relief. I’m afraid to talk to anyone about my feelings. I know my wife feels the same. I fear my older daughter does to. I may be paranoid but she stays away in another part of the house constantly. I don’t know what goes through her mind. I love her with all my heart and I spoil her to make up for the horrible life we have. I’m sitting here in tears as I write this sitting in dark trying to get this kid to sleep. I’m tired as hell all aches and pains emotionally drained and glad I made it through another day. Tomorrow it starts again. The crying the banging the destruction ,fighting biting and kicking. Food all over the place and oh did I mention dirty diapers. This kid used to be able to make me laugh and smile at times when she shown signs of progress but I don’t get to excited anymore. I don’t believe she will get any better. I feel I am getting what I deserve for something I done on past. What I did so bad I don’t know. My wife and other child don’t deserve this either.

    • Caden's Mom

      Not Mike, I feel like I could have wrote your story. I too carry the brunt of the weight in this house. My husband is disabled (had his 4th back surgery in April) and I work a very stressful busy full time job. If it wasn’t for my older son (who has Aspergers and absolutely no life) I wouldn’t know what to do. He drives my son to and from school everyday because the Autism school my youngest goes to doesnt supply transportation. I have no life. I want out too. I think about killing myself all the time. I tried going to meditation but you really have to be positive all the time and that is so hard for me. Especially when I get no sleep. I have no family help, no friends who are helpful or understand. When my husband had his surgery in April the hospital was an hour away. I asked my Mom, my sister, and my Dad if some one could come down to help but no one could or would. Right now we only have one car so juggling driving back and forth from the hospital and taking my son to school and trying to work nearly sent me over the edge. I even have a sister that lives in the same neighborhood and she would not help. No one brought food or asked if they could help. I had to get loan to just afford all the extra eating out and gas it caused me. I am so broke. I am so tired of struggling…so tired. I am so exhausted. Is it even worth it anymore. The problem I have is my youngest (the non-verbal) is attached to my hip at all times. If I did commit suicide I would have to take him with me and I can not even think about hurting him. Not to mention it would just kill my older son if I did that. I feel trapped. I never tell anyone how I feel because there is nothing they can do to help and I hate getting the poor pittiful look or the look of crazy for thinking what I am thinking. Nobody gets it.

  • Jaxlee

    Reading these and you want to become friends with each person but I can’t even find a autism Mom friend. My long friendships have distance themselves. Still love just don’t see my son and I as priority. But felt that before our diagnosis. I’ve tried everything to hint/reach out but I don’t want to explain to others how to support me. It’s a big let down every day. Hurts. I want to be myself, make progress and not give others my thoughts anymore. If you didn’t cry when I got diagnosis then your not gonna care about my son thriving. I don’t want autism to leave me bitter and angry. Either there in or out!! I’m not waiting on anyone to get my son what he needs now at 3 yrs old. They are holding me back trying be considerate to their feelings. This autism life can be such a nightmare..I can’t even sneeze around son.

  • Danielle

    I’m a single mom with a son who was recently diagnosed with autism. I suffer from major depression and I probably should not have had children. I was scared to have an abortion and now I’m here. He is a handful and I cry alone most days. He is defiant and abusive. I have him in therapy and I also go to therapy. It isn’t working.. The suicidal thoughts are always in my head but some days are worse than others. I have tried Prozac, Zoloft, Xanax, adavan, and a few other medications but it seems to make the thoughts so much worse. I love my son, but I feel bad that he has such a worthless mother. These are some of the thoughts that a suicidal person thinks. I try not to give up, some days the urge o die is just really strong. I just want my son to have a better life and future.

    • Lori

      I am a single mom my son was diagnosed two half years ago. He is almost 23 now and I’ve been through aggression and he’s been hospitalized 5 times. Paying an advocate I can’t afford second year still his help is incompetent. I’m isolated and I feel I watch other friends and people in general living, why I merely exist isolated and so consumed with trying to make it better for him, stable, fight more then crisis and it’s round and round not much hopeful days turning to weeks yvesw days it’s a couple good days in a month. I think about suicide Also. I googled it here I am. Isn’t first time. I have overcome
      Bad relationships, addiction Have almost
      4 years sober. That I could control, this I can’t. I can’t fix it or
      Make it ok for him. I get burnt out and my
      Patience snaps after weeks and months of it. He is rigid negative and I can’t reason with him he doesn’t think or her how I feel. He doesn’t like my sister in law some bad history and flips out if I see or talk to anyone in that family which is about only ones who I have. Mom and all uncles passed
      Away. I end up caving in and saying ok I won’t talk to them, it gets sominsane nonist
      Believe it unless they have ASD child also and know.
      People aren’t around long or much my friends. It’s too draining I know that.
      They don’t want me to kill myself or lose it. Truth is nobody is going to live this and be there for
      Me or us. It’s too
      Odd stressful and foreign to them the ASD MELTDOWNS N behaviors. I’m
      Drained trying f to
      Make it better and I’m in the hole financially like many.
      Does it ever get better.. I want to think so? Doubt it though

  • Stacia

    That’s sounds all fine and good ,having a strong support system of family and fruends.I don’t have any friends .My family doesn’t care .My husband is too busy with his work . Everything is blamed on me .I want to kill myselfis only getting bigger and more abusive towards me .I have told me morher,husband, and only friend that I want to kill myself .He everyday .I have tried everything I can find .I am $5k in credit card debt because of this kid .I cannot work because of him .So ,yes, that leaves me so isokated

  • Cheryl

    Once a child with special needs grows up the system forgets them and the family who loves them. As far as friends and family when there are any kind of problem they all scatter. Don’t dare ask for help or support.It is totally hopeless.Very very tired of life.

  • Chris

    I am a single father of an autistic 13 year old girl. I too have continual thoughts about death. I don’t think I could ever commit suicide but am at the point where I do not care if I die. The most difficult part of this for me is the feeling of being imprisoned. Trapped for the remainder of my days in this life completely caring for her. There will never be any relief from this. When friends children grow up, move out, have children of their own and they get to enjoy their later years in life and their grandchildren, I will still be here changing diapers, making her food, bathing her and not ever able to leave her alone. She is my child and I do love her but it is an unbearable burden to think that I will be doing this for possibly another 30 years. Most days I feel I just want out

    • Chris, you literally look the words right out of my mouth. I have a 3 year old that has a syndrome that 10 (!!) other people in the whole world have. I suspect she also has autism although this hasn’t been diagnosed yet. I went from having it all to secretly wishing I could be taken from this world without having to do it myself. Oh and the jealousy and bitterness I constantly feel towards all of my friends and their healthy kids is just the cherry on top. I feel for you. This sucks
      Anon recently posted..Spiced Roasted Peaches with Vanilla Ice Cream

  • KT

    I too found this post by searching on the subject. I know suicide is a bad option and your children will not be happy if you do it. For me it has been very rough lately. My daughter is not just autistic, she is also blind (not completely blind, but needs cane to walk and learning Braille). And we have another child likely on spectrum too. What is more, both my husband and me have been recently diagnosed being on ASD spectrum too. I also have a bunch of other psychiatric diagnosis. My family lives in another country and my husband’s family doesn’t help at all. My husband started to help a tiny bit only after I got obviously suicidal and our doctor told him yes, he should be worried about me. He is autistic himself and I don’t blame him. I called our local helpline 5 times in the last few month. They listen, they tell you to get help. But what it actually means to get help? I can’t even find a paid babysitter for her. We are kind of OK financially, able to pay rent and have food on the table, but I feel like I lost everything: career, job, hobbies, dreams, social circle. It is a bit like being in prison as someone commented above. The only thing that keeps me alive today is that I do love my kids and husband and push myself to stay alive for them. Just don’t know for how much longer I can keep going.

    • Rchl

      I feel the same. My Son is 8yo, mild asd. He is the sweetest and happiest boy in the world.
      I love him more than my life. Cos of autism, I lost everything I had or thought that I had. Haha.
      My career, family and friends are a huge disappointment, to say the least. Basically, my whole life is forced onto a complete different path than I have ever imagined. The social isolation is the most difficult. Nobody understands what I am going thru. I have tried reaching out to friends and family before but they cannot understand or simply refused to. End of day, everyone cares most about themselves. I have to suffer or tolerate hurtful comments from them. I gave up and now I don’t share anymore. I have tried engaging other parents in same boat but everyone situation is unique and I find it to be more depressing to keep talking about autism which we cannot cure.
      now I found strength from acceptance of my boy condition and loving him for who he is. My love for him and his love for me has helped me to take a day at a time. I choose now to focus on his strengths rather than curing him. This helped me to attain some form of peace.
      But life still has its challenges and some days I feel very Low too. And I find things to distract myself thru hobbies when my boy is at school. That help me from overthinking.
      I have accepted that this is my destiny and I cannot change anything about it. I try to look at the bright side of things and keep having faith in my boy. He has improved over the years and though he will never be normal, my Mission in life is to help him to be the best he can be.

  • Lisa

    I’m a single mother of a 8 yr old non-verbal autistic boy , he isn’t potty trained , can’t do much of anything on his own . I love him with all my heart . But I have fallen so deep in a depression , I won’t eat cuz im so tired and exhausted . I hate the way I feel . And I have thought of suicide , but then I think no one will love him like me or I’m afraid they will hurt him. He is getting so big and it’s getting harder to control . Im so lost , don’t have family and my support group is pretty much none. I pray to everyday to get through this . And guide me

  • Mathew

    I’m a trans father who was raped by s.o from 17-21 and had an autistic kid from it at 19. She’s 8 now and every day I have her is a struggle. I forget about her on the weekend when ex has her, and during the week all I think about is how I should kill myself. She’s non-verbal and not potty trained. I live with my family, but they only antagonise me and don’t help out at all. My mother won’t let me get a car, coerced me into signing my trust to her where I can’t get to it, I can’t get a job because I have to be with the child all the time. My mother once told me I deserve this, and she’s right because all I do is fantasize about the successful life I would have had if she never existed. I want to leave, but it’s not the same as it never had happened so I’d rather just be gone.

  • Olivia


    Today, I am crying in the dark. Not knowing if my 20 month old has or not autism and it is really killing me inside. He doesn’t respond to his name, he almost never looks at me in the eyes, and if he does it is very short. He doesn’t call me mom, mommy nothing, it hurts . I call his name over and over again and he doesn’t turn to look at me. I love him a lot but I don’t know how his life will be :-( . I wish I could have done something different during my pregnancy… I was extremely stressed out and had terrible Depresion. I know I can’t do anything now which is killing me every day … I am depressed again thinking I can’t do this… My husband blames me for not teaching him, not doing anything with him… I do a lot for both of our kids, minute they wake up until they go to bed. I try teaching him and try to get my sons attention but I guess it isn’t enough… Today , I feel very depressed , thinking what if we aren’t here anymore, I held my baby as he was crying … It is okay baby it is going be over soon… Sometimes I feel like just ending everything … If I am gone , my kids will have no one to care for them.. Should they go with me… Eveytime I think about this , I start crying because I don’t want to hurt them…

  • Lisa

    I’m 47. I have no family and no friends. I am a lone parent of a nine year old boy with Autism. I am most probably on the Spectrum myself and I feel like a complete failure and I want to die. That’s all.

  • Dan

    I don’t think of myself as suicidal though there are many appealing aspects of ending my life. I couldn’t live with myself if I were to commit suicide. My son is 5, nearly 6. My greatest fears stem from what will happen to him when I die. It keeps me up at night. He is on the severe side with moderate self injurious behavior. He can read but not comprehend. We cannot communicate outside the limited demands he can place (chicken, tea, park etc.). The hardest thing to bear is knowing that I’ve failed him. Not for lack of effort mind you, but its results that interest me. I’ve moved multiple times seeking help for him and have basically bankrupted the family. I now live 2300 miles from anyone I know. My wife is here but she is crushed. She’s merely a shell and simply goes through the motions of life. She’s broken. I am…I don’t know what I am. I can’t break because I’m all he has. All I feel is shame. I can completely understand why someone would want to die. I think I’d be happy to end it, but my love for my son imprisons me to this bitter life. I’ve come to terms with the fact that he will always need me and live with me. I’ve accepted that bleach is my best friend and feces on walls is really just temporary decoration. I’ve made sure my son received 40 hours of ABA a week since before he was 2. It’s all failed and so have I. I’m also afraid that if I hear that nonsense “god only gives special kids to special people” statement again ….I may end the person saying it. There is no honor, love, glory, or god in any of this. There is only failure, stress, grief, and sometimes anger. Hope is the most vicious aspect of humanity. There is no amount of therapy or pills that can change how I feel. There is no help. There is just the next day.. and the next day… and the next. Each day is harder and everyday I lose a little of my soul. I don’t know what made me put in the words that led to this, but here I am.

  • Susan

    I also searched and found this webpage. I just want to say I can relate to all of your pains and struggles . My older son is highly gifted and has been very attached to me. I had always believed that we would make it because I am a professor in education and he is so gifted. But life just got harder and harder each year. His dad divorced me. We have been living in different states for years. So I have always been on my own. I have another son much younger not on the spectrum. This year my older son got violent and threatened to kill me because I had not agreed to buy him another drone that costs $600. I got social workers involved. It turned into a nightmare with my older son accusing me of abusing him. While I was able to defend myself, I was devastated and became fearful about losing my younger son too. So I reached an agreement with his dad to let him take care of him for short term. But my son believes I abandoned him and wouldn’t come back when I went to pick him up. I have tried all means to reach out to him to no avail. I became suicidal. My counselor didn’t know how to help me any more.

    Regardless, I want to tell you that I have been through hell raising him managing all his needs turning him into this gifted student and doing several sports. I did it all by myself and I am immigrant with no family here. There is no reward. I am still misunderstood and even hated by my son. But you know what? I am getting better. I realize I have done my best and my best was a lot. I managed to get my tenure when he was living with me. I should be proud of myself. I also want to tell other moms to not share your struggles with the wrong people. I received all kinds of unsolicited advice at work at church at heritage language school at parties … people either think that I am wrong for talking too negatively about my son or I must have spoiled him. Some even doubt what I said or mocked about my profession. Stay away from them. Social service is a joke and only interested in child abuse cases. After all the investigation I asked what help they can give and was told I was doing everything they could think of. Therapists focus on anger management with no progress just more aggression in the car on our way there and back…..
    I can go on and on … but I don’t want to bore people. I just hope other desperate moms and dads can stop listening to negative voices around them and be strong. Most people , 99% of those in our social circle don’t get it. Once they get it, they run. Expect no understanding stop explaining. Keep only those who truly offered help. And above all, be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up. You are an awesome human being! I know saying so doesn’t get ride of the everyday challenges but sometimes a better attitude can save our life! Do what you can think of get as much help as you can find educate yourself share in forums like this have a job even part time to have your identity keep only kind people in your life. My parents in my home country in spite of knowing everything still see me as loser. Per my therapist’s advice, I now only call them bimonthly to avoid harm from them. You see, even our parents can beat us up. Don’t give them the chance! Don’t give anyone, no matter how nice or professional or successful they appear, the chance to make you feel worse! I can’t promise you your child will get better. But I believe you can get better! Hold your head up! There is a future but if you keep your head down you won’t be able to see it. God bless us all! A thousand hugs :)

  • Christine

    Wow, how clueless some of you are. I have been a single mother of a child on the spectrum for six years now. I hit wall after wall, after wall. I have no family support system. No friends or social life to speak of because ALL, and I do mean ALL of my time is devoted to my child. I barely sleep, I get sick to my stomach when I eat. As far as finding respite, all I have gotten are irresponsible people I would not leave with a rock, let alone my child. I get social workers, therapists, and school system, throwing their hands up with a smile on their face telling me HOW SORRY THEY ARE THEY CAN’T HELP ME OR MY CHILD. To be honest, I pray to die EVERY DAY. I am alone, and life is hopeless. PERIOD.

    • Dan

      Hello Christine,

      I don’t think it’s that others are clueless. I would say we all wear our desperation and despair in different ways. Most of these posts are filled with anger, fear, desperation, and hopelessness. We all get it. Life is hard. Life sucks. It’s unfair and it probably won’t get any better. Many of us are barely hanging on which is how we found ourselves here. Does it get better? Probably not. No need to lie to someone who’s nerves are stripped bare. The pain of the truth doesn’t frighten us. Living with the pain day after long long day is often what fills us with dread. How much longer can I hold on? How much longer can you?
      Those with a possitive outlook are lucky. I would lie to myself if I could. Life doesn’t get any better than it is today though. So. What are you gonna do about it? For me, I will keep on trying and failing. I hope you can keep failing with me. Our failure makes life for others better. Even if we can’t see it. I honestly believe you are not alone. I also honestly believe you will always feel alone. I do as well. Nothing makes it better and nothing short of a miracle ever could. Maybe us all being alone together will help someone. I don’t know. Maybe not, but maybe.
      Dan recently posted..What Pediatricians can Know by Joining MAPS Pediatric Courses

  • Michelle

    I am right there in the darkness with all those who wrote before me. My autistic son is now 17. Each day brings new challenges and a roller coaster of emotions. The phrase “autism awareness” does not exist in the municipal school system for us. If one more teacher calls my son annoying I am not sure what I will do. Thanks for letting me vent.

  • Patricia

    I feel better knowing other people have these thoughts. My son is in his thirties now and I often wonder if I can hang on another twenty years. Most days it seems pointless. To know your life will always be this way is depressing. I just try to get what enjoyment I can find in each day. Sleep is the thing I most look forward to. All I can do is try to hang on. Wishing all of you the ability to find some small piece of joy in your daily life.

  • Alicia

    My son is severe also he is non verbal, unable to eat solid food, not potty trained, can’t follow directions, or understand simple things, has SIB trantrums that can last for hours, and sometimes sleepless nights. Even people in prison get better treatment these people wouldn’t last a week with my son, or would so called professionals who can escape to a cozy home after their job. I realize this is a lifelong condition that people don’t take seriously while our tax money is being sucked dry. We are also taxed like any other household despite the tremendous cost it is to raise these kids. We had over 7,000.00 in damages over a eight year period. He requires twenty four hour care, diapers, and expensive Pediasure because he can’t eat. If your husband makes to much money you get nothing covered for free. I have had these thoughts as well my husband is older I’m only 5’2 and he is already hard to stop. I keep going because of faith in God, and my family. I can’t believe there is not any permanent care nursing homes for those moderately to severely affected. This is inhumane what we are forced to live with, and then possibly accused of abuse over a situation beyond our control. I hate hearing about Autism Awareness when will there be a cure be people donating to help people like us. All I see is people making money off of the suffering of others.

  • Gail

    Wow I got to this site the same way. I can’t even read all those stories. My son is 16 going on 17. He is TOTALLY out of control. We have a case manager and a behaviorist. We have a nurses aide and I have a husband. 0 friends and 0 family. Nobody wants to be around Joey. I am 60 years old and not well. I am in a wheel chair hat times. The last time I called crisis they wanted me to go in the hospital and they were going to put Joey in foster care. I told them you BETTER make sure my son does not get hurt. Then I began telling them about his behaviors. That he will elope if he can. He will smear poop if you don’t watch him really carefully in the bathroom. He will break glass and punch holes in walls. He is 16 and still in diapers not because he can’t learn. He knows how to poop in the toilet. It’s his behaviors. He has no sense of danger. I went on and on. You know what at the end of it all they said they have nowhere to place him. I am on medication for anxiety and depression. We are looking into a residential placement for him. I really don’t want him not to live at home, but I am at the end of my rope and nothing has helped.

  • Dominique

    I’m with her. I’ve tried to end it twice recently. My kid doesn’t even like me, everyone in general and he doesn’t talk much. I can’t touch him, hug him. He gets bullied. I HATE autism. Its robbed me of a relationship with my beautiful boy.

  • Amy

    Well!! Aren’t you lucky that you have a wonderful support system!! Not all of us that can’t always cope with our autistic children have fabulous families and husbands and have friends. How about getting finding empathy yourself and realising that your comments could make this suicidal person feel even worse when they read this and ponder on that fact that the have zero support. Wow, just wow.

  • Henry Adams

    Suicide as an option is how I get through most days. It’s my prop you see. If tomorrow is as bad as today, at least I can blow my own head off.

    That’s how life with an autistic child is when you’re also chronically ill.

    Maybe tomorrow. Maybe I can end myself tomorrow.

    Today I finish the day.

    Tomorrow is another day.

    Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day.

  • Shaunna

    Yeah I’ve been feeling this lately. I have a 5yr old non-verbal ASD son. He scratches and bites me everyday. I have him in ABA 3x’s a week, speech once a week and he is currently in summer school. All my SO does is buy him stuff. I have to literally do everything else! I’m bipolar, ptsd and a violent crime survivor, all before I had my kid at 35. The only one that can watch him is my mom. My sister and sis-in law won’t =/ I’m at my wits fucking end. I gotdealt a horrible card and shit end of the stick.

  • Zena

    Total get you Amy. My folks did not approve of pregnancy and my son’s dad left after 1st scan. My son is autistic and ADHD. My closes friend has an aspergers son and I have found all have turned on my son. Very lonely and my son now blames me for every issue on me. Feels like I’m in a abusive relationship you can’t walk away from. No options left.

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